Ysgramor's List (or 50-ish things the Companions aren't allowed to do)
by TyphoonSignal10
Summary: Memebers of the Companions are supposed to be disciplined and respected throughout Skyrim and beyond. Kodlak and the Circle have recently discovered that this is not entirely the case. A set of rules has been drafted and posted on the wall inside the mead hall. More being added every day. Post 'The Silver Hand', pre 'Blood's Honor' and the Stormcloaks currently control Whiterun.
1. Rules 1-5

**A/N: So internet, I recently discovered the wonder that is Skippy's list and after reading various fanfic variants I was inspired to write my own for the Companions of Skyrim. Five rules will be released every week until I run out of new rules to write down. Each rule will be followed by the name of the person who came up with it. Some knowledge of the Characters from 'A New Companion' may be needed to fully understand some of the rules, but most should be funny regardless. Enjoy.**

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><p>By the order of Kodlak Whiteman, Harbinger of the Companions of Ysgramor, the following rules are to be obeyed by all new-bloods and members of the Circle. NO EXCEPTIONS!<p>

1) No one is to trade another Companion's belongings for any of the following: magic beans, sweet rolls, sleeping tree sap(illegal!) or mammoth tusks for the purpose of impressing pretty merchants(Torvar). - Vilkas

2) It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission no longer applies to Liedan or Ram-Ku - Aela

3) None of you are the high king or queen of Skyrim, most of you aren't even Nords! - Vilkas

4) 'The field of honour' is not be invoked with regards to small children – Ria

5) The only people old enough to have fought in the Great War are Kodlak, Athis and Falin – do not imply that anyone else did - Njada

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><p><strong>AN: If you have any questions about any of these rules, do ask and I will be glad to answer.**


	2. Rules 6-10

**A/N: I know I said I was going to do this once a week, but really, there's not enough in each chapter to justify that long of a gap. So instead I'm going yo do it when I feel like it.**

**Aurora Nova: Baked beans? Not sure I want to know...**

**Wintersguardian: No-one is allowed to sniff their butt - period**

**Zer0Gh0st: 1) I did check my spelling. 2) 'A New Companion' is my other story about the Companions of Skyrim.**

**Scottusa1: Glad to hear it.**

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><p>6) Do not speculate about the penis size of anyone with a two handed weapon. - Ram-Ku<p>

6a) Especially not mine - Gakken

7) Athis and Liedan, teaching people to say offensive things in Dunmeri and Yoku under the guise of teaching them useful phrases is not funny. - Kodlak

7a) That applies to Jel for Ram-Ku as well – Aela

7b) The way most of you pronounce Jel, anything you say sounds offensive anyway – Ram-Ku

8) Males do not get 'that time of the month'. - Falin.

9) 'Sanguine/Azura/Hircine/Malacath told me to do it' is not an appropriate excuse for anything – Farkas

10) Do not go into Aela's room if you cannot find her or Falin if you value your life – Athis

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><p><strong>AN: Again, feel free to ask any questions.**

Edited 01/11/14


	3. Rules 11-15

**A/N: Chapter 3.**

**Scottusa1: Not sure if you've read the main story or not, but a number of the Companions (mostly OC's) have completed the relevant daedric quests for those daedra.**

**Dragonsdeadanddancing: I've read a number of fan stories that have identified the language as Hist before now, so assumed that that was the case. Thanks for the correction, I have gone back and changed that rule now. I do advise you to read some of the other story as quite a few of the remaining rules do make reference to the story.**

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><p>11) Falin, the words 'Is that flammable?' are not a challenge – Lydia<p>

12) Upon hearing the words 'Is that flammable?' I advise you to run like the assembled hordes of Oblivion are on your heels and to dive for cover – Falin

13)Lucia is not to be taught how to use weapons – Ria

13a) Or magic – Ria

14) Spell tomes with the word 'charm' on them, are not to be given to Falin under any circumstances – Ram-Ku

15)Pissing in mead bottles is not funny, even less funny is to put said bottles back on the table – Torvar

15a) I disagree, that's hilarious – Ram-Ku

15b) It's not hilarious when you know that Argonian urine is poisonous to humans and elves - Vilkas

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><p><strong>AN: as always, continue to read and review. Thanks**


	4. Rules 16-20

**A/N: Rules 16-20**

**Jean-Modalle: He isn't, I didn't know that there was a mod with a Ram-Ku in it.**

**Scottusa1: Yes it is, he gets like that when he's drunk.**

**Ursus057: Thank you**

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><p>16) Next person who goes through my belongings chest burns – Falin<p>

17) Falin and Athis, you are not allowed to threaten to set your ancestors on people that annoy you – Ria

18) Other people's underwear is not 'perfect for target practice' – Njada

18a) Even if it's got red circles on it? - Falin

18b) Red circles? - Lucia

18c) I'll explain when you're older – Ria

19) If it involves Illusion magic or makes you giggle for more than fifteen seconds at the thought of it, it is a _bad_ idea – Aela

19a) If it makes Lucia giggle for more than fifteen seconds, it is a _very bad _idea - Ria

19b) If it makes Falin giggle at all, run - Ram-Ku

20)Falin, Athis, the shards of Wuuthraad are not looking at you funny – Vilkas

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><p><strong>AN: Please review and let me know what you thought.**


	5. Rules 21-25

**A/N: Nothing really to say about this one.**

**Jean-Modalle: Glad to hear it.**

**Machynlleth: I couldn't agree more. I've read some truly terrible parody stories on this site. Here's the update.**

**Scottusa1: Too much information? Yeah, probably. Not my fault, blame Falin.**

**Here's a quick idea for you. If you've read 'A New Companion', See if you can guess who some of the rules are aimed at.**

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><p>21) Fire magic is not to be used in wooden buildings – Kodlak<p>

22) 'May Molag Bal have the utmost fun with you in Coldharbour' is not an appropriate threat, for anyone – Ram-Ku

22a) Wasn't that one of the ones you shouted at the Stormcloaks? - Ria

22b) Not the point – Ram-Ku

23) No one is allowed to possess a copy of 'The Lusty Argonian Maid', 'The Sultry Argonian Bard' or anything similar. - Vilkas

24) The phrase, 'Not to worry, eyebrows grow back' does not excuse you from having burnt them off in the first place – Lydia

25) Ancestor's Wrath and the various cloak spells are not an appropriate way of keeping Lucia away from your hair Falin – Ria


	6. Rules 26-30

**A/N: Scottusa1: Falin really doesn't like people messing with her hair.**

**Aurora Nova: I like that one, can I use it?**

**Jack Trader: I try**

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><p>26)Gakken is not under any circumstances to be given an empty mead or wine bottle and a container of Dwarven Oil – Lydia<p>

26a) Why? - Falin

26b) No-one tell her! - Ram-Ku

26c) Tell me what? - Falin

26d) She makes something that you throw that explodes and sets fire to things – Lucia

26e) Really!? - Falin

26f) LUCIA! - Ram-Ku

27) Standing near Heimskr and preaching about 'Great and Terrible Malacath' was only funny the first time, and the Stormcloaks are starting to get annoyed – Kodlak

28) None of you have evil twins – Aela

28a) Fairly sure that Farkas does – Ria

28b) I don't get it? - Farkas

28c) Ria! - Vilkas

29) None of you are touched by Sheogorath – Vilkas

30) Fake cliff racer eggs are not appropriate gifts for Athis or Falin, I do not want my room setting on fire again – Aela


	7. Rules 31-35

**A/N:**

**Scottusa1: Vilkas has always seemed that way to me.**

**Ausar the Vile: Yes! It is. Gakken calls them 'Gortwog Cocktails' as homage to the king of Orsinium at the end of the 3rd era.**

**Aurora Nova: But there's something about the meat from there, it just 'holds' better, you know?**

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><p>31) Frost runes are not funny – Vilkas<p>

32) With regards to rule twenty-three, I thought we had disposed of all the copies of the Lusty Argonian Maid – Vilkas

32a) You did, they acquired new ones – Aela

32b) Where from? - Vilkas

32c) Torvar's lady friend – Athis

32d) Ysolda is NOT my lady friend – Torvar

33) Not allowed to describe Farkas to new Companions as 'What Vilkas would be like if he was nice and ate all his greens as a boy.' - Aela

33a) WHO SAID THAT? - Vilkas

33b) Take your pick – Aela

34) There are reasons that some of the new bloods are scared, and you should not prey upon that fear. Even if you can 'smell' it – Lydia

35) Liedan, when going on a mission with Falin and Athis, you are not to wave your hand at the gate guards and say 'these are not the elves you're looking for.' It's confusing and is starting to worry the guards. - Aela


	8. Rules 36-40

**A/N: Rules 36-40**

**Scottusa1/Ausar the Vile: Star wars is amazing.**

**Jean Modalle: Thank you**

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><p>36) With regards to rules twenty-three and thirty-two, Falin, you are not allowed to write your own version of the Lusty Argonian Maid – Aela<p>

36a) Even if it has lesbians in it? - Falin

36b) Even if it has lesbians in it - Aela

37) Roofs are not for climbing on – Ria

37a) Who's that aimed at? - Ram-Ku

37b) Lucia, Falin and Liedan – Ria

38) Hide and seek is not a matter of life and death. - Aela

38a) Hiding in the pools near Dragonsreach because you can breathe underwater is cheating – Lucia

38b) So are detect life spells – Lucia

38c) And Invisibility spells – Lucia

39) The Vigil of Stendarr already have enough reason to attack some of us as it is, please do not antagonise them any further – Kodlak

39a) Define 'antagonise' – Ram-Ku

40) Sunbathing on the Skyforge is not funny – Eorlund


	9. Rules 41-45

**A/N: Next set of rules for you.**

**As a note, you may have noted that this fic is now 50-ish things the Companions are not allowed to do, (Actually 53 at the moment) as I have come up with, and borrowed a few new rules. If the Rules have been borrowed, I will credit the reader with the original idea in the note at the start.**

**Isla-Robin-295: I agree, admittedly they are right to go after the likes of Molag Bal, Namira, or Mehrunes Dagon, but that's just my opinion. Kodlak is not referring (openly) to the fact that the Circle are werewolves, but rather that a number of the characters are the Champions are various Daedric princes. Azura - Falin, Hircine - Ram-Ku, Malacath - Gakken, Sanguine - Torvar.**

**Jean-Modalle: Glad to know I made you laugh, and thank you for your continued reviews.**

**Scottusa1: I was quite proud of that one. Falin and Ram-Ku are both terrible cheats at that game.**

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><p>41) Mikhael is not a punching bag – Vilkas<p>

42) Telekinesis is not funny – Vilkas

43) Two drink limit does not mean first and last – Kodlak

43a) Or two kinds of drinks – Ram-Ku

43b) Or that they can be as large as you like – Ria

44) Torvar is not allowed in the Bannered Mare – Aela

44a) Or the Drunken Huntsman – Aela

45) Mead Pong is not an appropriate activity in the hall – Vilkas


	10. Rules 46-50

**A/N: This is the second to last chapter of this list as it stands at the moment.**

**I am considering writing a series of drabbles, one for each rule, explaining how the rule came into existence. Would anyone be interested in that? Leave a review, send me a PM if you would like me to do this.**

**Jean-Modalle: Thank you**

**Scottusa1: It is, until someone spikes the drinks**

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><p>46) Do not tell a member of the Circle to 'Bite me' – Aela<p>

46a) Yeah, have you seen Ram-Ku's teeth? – Athis

47) Next person to say 'Are you feeling ok? You look a funny shade of green.' or similar, gets punched – Gakken

47a) Seconded – Ram-Ku

48) Torvar is not allowed out unsupervised – Ram-Ku

48a) Neither are you – Ria

49) 'Falin started it' is not an excuse for anything – Ram-Ku

50) Leaving copies of 'The Talos Mistake' in the Stormcloak barracks is not funny – Vilkas


	11. Rules 51-53

**A/N: And this is the last chapter of this story. Rules 52 and 53 (Not 52a) are credited to Aurora Nova. Thanks to them for the inspiration.**

**The drabbles describing how these rules came to be will be published under the title 'Ysgramor's stories(Or 50-ish things the Companions have done)'**

**KStormblade: Thank you. The first drabbles (1-5) should be up before New Year.**

**Scottusa1: But it is funny though**

**Jean-Modalle: Agreed**

**Isla-Robin-295: I will**

**Toolazytologin: Thank you, I will**

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><p>51) You are not allowed to tell another Companion that their skills are 'A bit shit really' - Vilka<p>

52) The Skyforge is to be used for creating the greatest arms and armour in Skyrim, not for cooking a hog roast - Eorlund

52a) Actually, it was roast wolf - Gakken

53) Any action, behaviour, or event, that starts with the phrase 'Here, hold my mead' is only going to end in disaster - Kodlak


End file.
